


15x09 Coda

by I_wish_I_was_a_dragon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (word isn't used though), Autistic Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Coda, Happy Ending, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), angsty, because i lean into an autistic reading of cas, fic doesn't deal with autism, references to in-show suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:07:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23248237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_wish_I_was_a_dragon/pseuds/I_wish_I_was_a_dragon
Summary: Set at the end of 15x09. Dean and Cas are sharing a beer together in the kitchen at the end of 15x09 and Dean needs to tell Cas how he feels about Cas leaving him all the time.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	15x09 Coda

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for references to Dean's s**cide in 13x05 Advanced Thanatology. The word isn't used and no details are given.

Dean takes a long draw of his beer and thunks it on the table. He’s in his usual spot at the kitchen table: outer end on the left side. Cas had dragged a stool seat over to sit at the head of the table when he found Dean in the kitchen. Dean had gotten Cas a beer, but he hasn’t touched his beer, but then again, he hadn’t asked for one. 

“Cas, I need to tell you something.” Dean’s hunched over his beer, looking down at the table. He pauses for a moment, then straightens to look Cas in the eyes. “I need you to really listen this time, ‘cuz I’ve tried to ask you before and-- and you still left--.” He closes his eyes, wrenching himself out of eye contact. He swallows. Inhales and exhales with a quiet whoosh. When he finally speaks, his voice comes out in a croak. ”When you were… gone… this last time. Cas, I couldn’t.” There are tears shining in his eyes when he opens them. One falls when he re-initiates eye contact with Cas. “I tried, man, I tried so hard. And I just couldn't do it” His eyes fall again. A hand comes up to rub at his eyes briefly, terse and rough. “Fact is, the day you came back? Me ‘n Sammy were on a hunt, and I- I went too far.” He ducks his head, digs his fingers into his hair. They rake through once, twice, before he looks up and searches Cas’ distressed eyes.

“Dean- '' Cas searches Dean’s face, worry coloring every crease. He reaches out, hand cradling Dean’s face. Dean leans into it, closing his eyes once again. “Did you-”

“It was so hard, Cas,” Dean whispers, his throat raw and rough. “I- I can’t lose you again. And I almost did today. I can't do it, man. I need you here.” Dean looks up at Castiel, tears dripping freely now. “I need you here with me, Cas. I need you to stay. And I know you have to leave sometimes, I get that, but you gotta tell me about it. Don’t go running off on your own, please. ‘Cuz everytime you do, you end up dead. And- and can’t go through that again, Cas. I can’t lose you again. I just, Cas-”

“Dean,” Cas cradles Dean’s face, guides him to look at Cas. “Dean, “I don't want to leave. I never want to leave. “

“Then why do you do it, Cas?” Dean’s hand reaches up, clutching at Cas’s arm. He searches Cas’ eyes, pleading. “Why do you leave all the goddamn time, Cas?”

“I-- I don’t know Dean.” He breaks eye contact, desperately glancing around the room. “I-- I guess I have to. I have to protect you and Sam.” He looks back at Dean, expression firmer as he latches onto his line of reasoning. ”I have to protect you, Dean.” Dean searches Cas’ face, desperation leaking into anger. 

“No you don’t, you son of a bitch!” Dean pushes back from the table, gesturing at himself and the hallway. “Me and Sam, we don’t need your protection, Cas. We can handle ourselves just fine! You’re not some-- some guardian angel, you’re our friend.” Dean takes a breath and lets some of the anger slip away. “My best friend.” He pauses, closes his eyes. His voice is calmer now, a little thick. “The best thing you can do for either of us, for me is be here. Just stick around and don’t go off on your own without telling us-- without telling me. I don’t know where you got this crap idea, but it ends now.” 

Dean simmers at the edges, chest heaving, glaring at Cas. Tears well at the corners of Cas’ eyes, the picture of distraught. He remains seated, small next to Dean’s tall form. 

“Dean, what do you want from me?“ Cas searches Dean’s eyes, desperation leaking out of him. “If I can’t protect you, what use am I? I’m barely an angel anymore, I can feel my grace dying with every passing day. I don’t know what else I can do, what use I can be.” Cas’ shoulders are slumped, arms hanging loose at his sides. A tear slips down his face. 

“That’s why you're always taking off? So you can be useful?” Dean spits out the word and scoffs. He steps closer, arms crossed. He reaches one hand down to grasp Cas by the shoulder. He looks away, but Dean ducks down to catch his eye. “Look, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way, Cas, but you gotta know that’s not how I see you. I don’t need you to be useful, I need you to be you. I want you to be my best friend, okay? And, and maybe something else, you know?” Dean raises his eyebrows, searching Cas’ eyes.

“No,” Cas sighs, head falling forward. “No, Dean, I don’t understand.”

Slowly, Dean reels Cas in for a hug, gripping him tight around the shoulders. “I don’t know how else to say it, Cas.” Dean’s voice goes thick again as a tear threatens to slip loose. “I-- I can’t live without you I-- I just--”

“Dean,” Cas’ arms rise slowly, then fiercely grab Dean. Cas clenches Dean’s overshirt as Dean pushes his body into Cas. Cas pushes back, causing them to rock a bit. 

“Tell me what you need to hear, and I’ll say it.” Dean breaks the hug, but only moves far enough to look Cas in the eye. He grips Cas tight around the shoulders, holding him in place. “Do you hear me?” Cas looks away. “Hey.” Dean cups the side of Cas’ face, and moves his head to make eye contact. Cas refuses, staring at the ground. “Look at me.” Cas stares adamantly at the ground. “Cas, look at me.” Slowly, Cas’ eyes track up to Dean’s face, his face impassive. “I love you, man. Bottom of my heart. And it kills me that you think you’re what, disposable? Cuz you’re not.” Dean’s hand moves to the back of Case Head, pulling him back into the hug. Dean presses his cheek into Castiel’s. “I’ll do whatever it takes to get that through to you.” 

The hug lasts longer than the usual brotherly slap on the back. They both sink into it, until their breathing syncs up. Shortly after, Dean pulls away, claps Cas on the shoulder. “C’mon, there’s still a couple a’ movies I need to educate you on.”

“Dean, you do realize I had an entire pop culture library dumped into my head.”

“It’s about the experience, man. ‘Sides, you haven’t seen them with me, and that’s a whole ‘nother experience.” Dean gives a cheesy smirk-wink-finger gun combo, to which Cas fondly rolls his eyes. 

“Sure, Dean.”

“Attaboy!” Dean’s smile is huge. Infectious. Castiel ducks his head to hide his own burgeoning grin. Using the grip he has on Cas’ shoulder, Dean pulls Castiel against his body, slinging his arm around his shoulders. After a few steps, he pulls his arm back to resettle it on Cas’ shoulder, speaking with his free hand as they walk towards the DeanCave. “I know just the one. You’re gonna love it.”

“Of course, Dean.”


End file.
